The Fast Path - Shiva's experiences studying with Rama, Dr Frederick Lenz

Chapter 33 - Keeping It Clean

I had been living in California for a couple of months since returning from New York. I had a new programming job and was in the process of moving to my new apartment in Crestline. In the mean time, I was temporarily living once again with my brother in Riverside.

Because of the limitation of space in my car during the move back to California, I had left my personal computer back in Connecticut with a friend as a gesture to another former student.

Francis and I had become friends during the last few months before I left New England. She was supposed to ship the computer to me once I returned and was situated. I had made several calls and had actually sent her some money to ship it. Still no computer.

Finally, after repeated calls, she admitted that she had spent the money I had sent her to ship the computer with. I told her I would send her some more money and this time to please ship it. I could feel the resistance, but I got her to agree. She really didn't want to let go of my personal computer.

Right before we hung up she dropped a bombshell on me.

"I recently attended a meeting with this group of people to see what some other people were saying about Rama."

I listened in disbelief. I knew of these people and what they were saying. I couldn't believe that she would attend a meeting with a group that had continually distorted and misrepresented Rama and his students to whoever would lend an ear. I considered this group to be both misguided and dangerous.

"I found out some very interesting facts and information. Did you know that after you left, Rama told Robin to leave. She became so distraught that she jumped out the window and killed herself. So much for him being able to tune into his students," she said.

I changed the subject and finished up the shipping arrangements and hung up the phone. I went to my room and closed the door. I was devastated and a little nauseous. Of course I would not have known if this had happened. When you leave, you drop all contact with not only Rama, but also the students. It's an etiquette.

I sat down and cried. I hadn't known Robin as a close friend. I only saw her from afar. Robin had always been one of the most beautiful women I had known as a student. Her beauty sprung from within.

Once, I held a meditation in Manhattan, and Robin had created a poster for me. She didn't think it was much, but I was so happy with it. It was a wonderful gesture.

I dealt with her loss and with an issue I had wrestled with since Brenda had broken down and disappeared. How could Rama stand by and let one of his students fall so far? Why didn't he see what was happening to Brenda? Why didn't he see what was happening to Robin? If he was so Enlightened, why didn't he step in at the last minute and stop them?

I stopped this whole line of questioning. I had a meditation class scheduled for the following evening and I was in trouble. I knew that I had to work out this issue before I could ever teach again. I had to clean it up with Rama and I had to clean it up now! I simply could not teach until this had been resolved.

I immediately told my brother that I had to work something out and didn't know when I would return. He looked at me and nodded his head in agreement, sensing the space I was in. At times he is so incredibly wise. His past life as a Zen Master really shows through at times.

I once again drove up to Keyes View. I got there around sunset. I got out and walked out to the point. No one was here today. All to myself. I meditated and focused on Rama. After a while, I began to see some of my own students. This is odd, I thought.

I had a student in Grants Pass who was going through a terrible divorce. I had another student in Boise who had an eating disorder and wasn't doing well. Another had just lost a job and was stressed out as to what to do. And then there was the one in Arizona who was feeling trapped and angry. In fact, everyone was dealing with their own life in a highly charged way. As I focused on them I started to become more and more agitated, depressed and even ill.

I recalled Rama saying, "I spend a great deal of energy just pushing all of you away."

There it was! If Rama opened up to the awareness of the states of mind of all of his students all of the time, he would be insane or dead within a very short time! I had only a few students. He had thousands.

I could not imagine how he could possibly handle the anger and upset of a group of students who no longer studied with him. He would have to push them away and let them be, most of the time.

I felt sorry for his loss of a good student who apparently could not handle flying on her own. Then I felt a peace flow over me. I was once again clean with my teacher. I could now return to teaching.

A couple of weeks later, when I finally received my computer from Francis, I was glad that my association with her had ended.

Ironically, about six months later, Tracy, who was still a current student of Rama's, called me and in the course of our conversation she related that Robin had never committed suicide. Robin was doing great!

I can't understand why Francis would tell me what she did. I knew of only one Robin as a student. If there was another Robin that I did not know of, it really wouldn't have made much difference. In its own way, this incident had provided me with a way to work through a concern and question that I would probably not have dealt with otherwise.

As Rama had said, "Everyone and everything is your teacher. Don't trash your teacher."

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