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Ch 1 - The Dinner Ch 2 - Mickey Ch 3 - Elizabeth Ch 4 - The Poster Ch 5 - Self-Discovery Outing Ch 6 - Shawn’s Boyfriend Ch 7 - Taking The Step Ch 8 - My First Student Meeting Ch 9 - Don’t Trash Ch 10 Meditation & the Wreck Ch 11 In The Desert Ch 12 After The Desert Ch 13 The Ebell Theater Ch 14 So, You Want To Be A Teacher? Ch 15 The Visit Ch 16 The Golden Oldies Ch 17 The Correction Ch 18 The Gift Ch 19 Disneyland Ch 20 The Letter Ch 21 Starting Out Ch 22 First Night As A Teacher Ch 23 The Thank You Card Ch 24 Priorities Ch 25 Corrected Again Ch 26 Returning Home Ch 27 The Call Ch 28 On The Road To New York Ch 29 Christmas At Golden’s Bridge Ch 30 Jumpy Ch 31 The Initiation Ch 32 Time To Leave Ch 33 Keeping It Clean Ch 34 Looking Back Epilogue   Visit Shiva's web site   About Rama

Chapter 32 - Time To Leave

The music of "Zazen" seemed to fill every part of my being as I listened to it.  Memories of the past seemed to distill into the present moment.  I opened my eyes and gazed around the large banquet hall of the Waldorf Astoria in Manhattan.  Here I was, once again sitting at one of the great hotels in the world, waiting for my Teacher.  So much had happened during our association over the years.  It was overwhelming to me. 

Rama walked into the room.  As usual I had felt him long before he enter the room.  The room was filled with light and energy.

I had not seen Rama for a number of months.  It had come as quite a surprise when I heard that he was allowing those of us to attend another dinner with him.  I looked around and saw several other students who had also not attended in a while.  Rama had invited all of us who had been told to leave or had, as in my case, simply quit attending, to a dinner with the current students.

During the entire time I lived in New York,  Rama had allowed me to attend a number of meetings even though I had no money.  After about a year, I no longer felt that I could do this.  The result was that I had not attended any student meetings in about six months and I began to feel like I had slowly been left behind by the rest of the students.

For over a year and a half I had endured a severe personal loss and it had affected me deeply.  My girlfriend, Brenda, had suffered a nervous breakdown and disappeared leaving only a weird diary behind.  This loss, and my frantic searching for her, had really affected me in a most unhealthy way.  When she disappeared, I was devastated. 

Rama had made himself available to me several times during this horrible period in a most supporting way.  His advice and support of me and his sincere wish to find and help Brenda was stated over and over again.  I can't begin to convey how much his love and support helped me during this ordeal.  Now the turmoil and anguish of this loss had finally settled down to a mostly manageable level.  I was now functioning again and had the best job of my life.

Due to the impact of Brenda's disappearance on my life, and my ensuing emotional state of mind, I found it very hard to gather myself back together even with Rama's continual support.  But I had, at last, succeeded.

As Rama walked through the room, I was shocked!  Not at Rama, but at the attitude of many of the people in the room.  There were some really angry people in the room!  You could just feel it.  It reminded me of some meetings that I had attended right before I was exiled to Oregon. 

The anger was directed by some of the students toward other students and some of it was aimed directly at Rama.

Rama sat and the room turned gold.  I really loved him.  How could anyone not see through to the light of God that was so apparent!  He talked and, quite honestly, I don't recall too much of what he said.  I was dissolving into light!

Rama showed the software products that many of his students had created on a large screen.  They were beautiful and had this incredible energy.  Still the anger in the room was thick.  I could not believe how many of the people were reacting to each other and to Rama.

Finally, Rama laid out the terms of how we could return as students.  They were very high.  So high, in fact, it was quite apparent that I would not be able to make the leap at that time.  My six months had caused me to fall back and now it seemed impossible to catch up. 

Many times since I had come to New York, I had attended meetings without any money.  I had never been turned away.  I knew that I could have probably continued that pattern, but now it just didn't seem right.

I listened and observed as Rama continued to talk about his plans and the direction they were going.  As he continued to talk, I knew in my heart that this was my time to say good-bye.

It wasn't the tuition or the lifestyle.  It wasn't because of the angry energy that some individuals directed toward Rama or other students.  It had nothing to do with my situation with Brenda.  It was simply time for me to leave the nest and fly on my own.

This saddened and excited me at the same time.  I spent the rest of the evening focusing on Rama and the light that came through him.  I focused on him as he spoke.  I watched the room shift.  I drank deeply.  I wanted to watch him fly just one more time, before I spread my own wings. 

Nobody can fly like Rama!

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